My first kiss went a little like this...

It was awkward. It was perfectly awkward. But it was so perfectly awkward and oh my gosh I can't believe I kissed someone .

Makeup.

Her hand shakes as she once again picks up that god forsaken tube. “Is this what’ll make me supposedly pretty?” she wonders as she sweeps the colourful dirt on her face. “Is this how I want people to see me?, Superficial and weak? succumbing to rubbing colourful dirt on my cheeks, and eye lids to be seen as pretty?” 

She’s got a lot to offer. She’s funny. She’s smart. She’s nice. She’s easy to talk to. But does that matter when she sees herself as not pretty? 

She picks up the skin toned cream and smooths it across her blemishes. Battle scars. It’s what they are. Don’t they usually say that you should wear them with pride? Not in this society. Not in this damn society where anorexia is what girls are wearing these days and the pressure to be thin or pretty is sinking into their pores.

“Can’t they love me for me? Look beyond my face and body and love me for everything that makes me, Well. Me?” she ponders as she puts down the brush and looks at herself in the mirror, and is met with a look of hate at the monster in the mirror. “Can’t they see me for me? and not just a shadow of what I could be?”

Homework.

Homework. 


It’s definitely what I’m doing right now. I’m not going to think about how small this pencil is and how his fingers would fit so perfectly inbetween them, nor am I thinking about how perfect we’d be together. I can’t help but look over at him and smile at his chesnut brown hair that just looks oh so soft, and how I’d love to run my fingers through it and he’d smile into our kiss and I’d smile back. 


Wait! Homework. I am doing homework, I am not thinking about him. I am not going to think about him.I’m not going to think about how my fingers are clenching this pencil.  I’m not going to think about his muscles. I’m not going to think about the way he holds me in his arms when I ask for a hug and I’m definitely not going to think about how great it’d be for him to hold me like that in bed. 


Homework. Back to the fucking homework. The pen writes so smoothly on this piece of paper and I can only remember how smoothly he walks, with a bounce in his walk as he throws back his head and laughs at something his friend said but I don’t really know what his friend said because all I can hear is his deep laughter and watch his adorable dimple pop out against his cheeks.  He doesn’t know how crazy he drives me with everything, the way he smells, his tenor voice or the way his hair shines under the sunlight.


 Er- What was I doing? Homework. Right, That’s what I was doing. Multiply this shit by that shit and get 2 … 2, Perfect two. That’d be us. Us 2. Just us 2 and it’d be great and you better bet your money that if that 2 ever turned into 3, someone is going to get punched in the face.


Oh god, I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t stop thinking about what we could be. He’s essential. He’s like water, Only I need him more than 8 times a day. He’s my everything.


… Fucking homework. 

- Useless crap you don't need to know about me -

I'm just going to keep this here so I can see how much of a tool I was when I was a teenager. 


How to win my heart; 


1) BE FUNNY! Let's be funny together and we'll laugh at everything and have inside jokes everywhere. I don't even care, as long as we can laugh at things together and you can make me laugh then I'm alright with that.


2) I like hugs. I like tight hugs. I like hugs where the person wraps their arms around you. Yeah, I like hugs. 


3) It never hurts to be a bit smart. 


4) I'd be impressed if you knew how to play an instrument (preferably a guitar because then you could bond with my dad even though he's crazy and stuff, with that being said, I guess another way to win my heart is to accept my crazy batshit family for who they are) 


5) Style never hurts anyone. I find plaid shirts on guys attractive. I really do. 




I shall add more crap to that later.


But Right now, I think I'll try to explain how much I like *him*



so I think you’re really really cute and I love all the little things you do in class even though some people think you’re a freak because you hate a lot of things but I know you don’t really hate them and I love sitting by you every every morning this semester and I love the way you write even though it’s shitty and I kind of hate how you call me a bitch even though it’s true and I like how you tell me the truth while everyone lies and I think we should hang out sometime and we could go on a date and I really want to kiss you even though i’ve never kissed anyone before and I kind of really want to kiss you because apparently it’s fun so I think we should do it and I really wish you liked me even though I know you don’t which kind of hurts but that’s okay because I’m used to it and I know that sounds really sad but I really like you and I have no idea why but people don’t really like you because they think you’re mean and vulgar and stuff but they never really took the time to know you and did I mention I think you’re adorable?


My ideal date; 



We’d make our own lunch & take it to the park and have a picnic together.


We’d leave our cellphones and all forms of communication behind, so it’d be us. Just us and nothing else. 


Of course, we’d bring a bunch of different polaraids and take dumb photos together and laugh it off afterwards.


We’d hold hands and act like complete idiots together, but it’d be okay, because we’d be each others idiots. 


We’d spend the day in the park & just be complete fools together and others would watch and laugh, because they’d remember being in love. 


When the sun starts to set, we’d take out a blanket & cuddle and watch the orange sun fade to a dark blue as the stars would start to appear.


We’d point out constellations and laugh as we’d make up completely stupid ones. 


& at the end of the night, We’d have stupid smiles imprinted on our mouths and reminisce at what we had done all day. 


It’d be fun. Just you & me. Let’s go on a cheap date.

My best friends as of now;

1) Ryan Job. Crazy Mexican who lets me push him around. 


2) Christie Balanduk. Best friend with a british accent


3) Miguel Carlos. I bitch at him and he'll bitch back. We are bitches together, also people ship us together and it scares me. // Finally met on January 27. 


4) Tyler Michaud. - Jewfro loser who I like to hug because he is squishy. 


5) Jea Besana. She is great. She's so funny and sometimes she can get annoying but that is alright. 


6) Lyka Sal-Long. My twinny. She is hilarious and so cute. LOL, She's my chibi vampire. xD


7) Kellie Jeffery/Emily Neufeld/ Serena Singh. They are too great. They are my gym best friends and I love them. They're great & they're all from different places. Kellie is from Australia, Emily is from Texas and Serena is from India. They are great.


Also, This is me as of now.

Ryan thinks I'm cute. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.

Boy Next Door chapter 2

So. Um. Chapter 2. That I wrote maybe a month ago of the "Boy Next Door". No plotline yet, but keep waiting. Actually, I don't know.  I'm not sure I'll finish it, but anyways, I need your thoughts! (Miguel) LOL.   // ALSO, Sorry if some parts say Ryan instead of Gabriel. 
**The original name was Ryan but it started to creep me out because one of my best friends name is Ryan 

Fluff alert! (For those who don't know what fluff is, It's basically little romantic gestures and mindless nothings that make you want to go AWWWWWW) Hahah ;) 

Chapter 2 

I sprinted all the way home and didn’t stop until I reached my bedroom. My bedroom is my sanctuary, my one place no one can disturb or tell me to leave. I actually helped design it. Lavender walls with white trim, my desk to the side, White bedspread with deep purple comforters covered with stuffed animals. My favourite part though? My mini balcony. It’s big enough to put a swing chair and a little table. One time, when I and Gabriel were about 10, we had this crazy idea to grow an hedge that weaved up the side of my balcony on a ladder that we grew vines around so I could sneak out whenever I wanted and hang out with him. It’s still there but it’s not as sturdy as it once was. 

My heart is beating and it feels like my pulse was electrified. I almost kissed Gabriel. Did I want to kiss him? Now that I think about it, I did. I really did and I have no idea where these dumb feelings came from and I hope they went away soon. I can’t erase that picture from my head; He looked almost … beautiful kind of like a straight Edward Cullen. 

Wait, What am I saying? HE.IS.JUST.MY.FRIEND.My best friend. I don’t want to risk our friendship for a dumb kiss. I know for a fact he’s never kissed anyone before. He dated a girl name Caroline but she cheated on him and broke his heart. Caroline is the kind of girl you’d love to have under your arm. She’s small, she’s pretty with the longest eyelashes and long black hair that fell into perfect ringlets and she’s the kind of girl who looked like she never ate anything and only requested salad, thus giving her perfect skin without a pimple in sight. She’s mean, and she’s manipulative but she can have the personality of an angel. Stupid Caroline, I hated her before but now I hate her with a passion for doing that. He’d never admit it but the day he caught her kissing another boy he came over to my house and cried. I hated it. I hated seeing him hurt. I hated her. I hated the whole situation. 

“Annika?” a voice interrupts my train of thought.

My mom stands at the doorway in a little black dress and I know my mom is going to go out dancing tonight. “Nikka? I’m going out for a bit. Watch Monica and Kathryn for me, alright?” she says. I nod and start to focus on my TV show. 

Jersey Shore. I know it’s complete trash and nothing good comes out of it but I love the drama that comes out of it. Sam and Ronni are kissing. Kissing is the last thing I want to think about. I change the channel to “A Walk To Remember”. Jamie and Landon are kissing. I change the channel. Aladdin. Aladdin and Jasmine are kissing. What the hell is this?! Is it like, “Torture Annika with kissing month”? Damnit, It’s the last thing I want to watch. Thank God Phineas and Ferb is on. Finally, A show with no kiss-Really? Jeremy and Candace are kissing. Well, Screw this shit. I turn off my TV and get ready to go to bed. Monica and Kathryn are somehow asleep and it’s only 9:00. 

I snuggle deep into my covers but all I can think about is him. Why can’t I stop thinking about him? Go to sleep. He’s a stupid boy. But no, I can’t sleep and go outside onto my balcony with my kumot in hand and my pillow. It’s surprisingly warm for a summer’s night. I lie in my swing chair and listen to the way the leaves whisper against the trees. Soon, I drift off to sleep. 

“Nikka? Annika?” someone is gently shaking me awake. 

I open my eyes and Gabriel stands there in his Chicago bull’s shirt and his basketball shorts I bought for his last birthday. What the hell is it about him that makes my heart beat faster like it’s continually pumping adrenaline into me? 

“Er- Um, What are you doing here?” I ask and I realize he’s staring at me weirdly and I soon remember that I’m wearing his red shirt that I borrowed but “lost” and short shorts that hide underneath the shirt. “Oh, Um. Your shirt… Right…” 

“Keep it. It looks better on you anyways” he chuckles. “I couldn’t sleep so I climbed up the ladder and I wanted to see if you were awake” 

I move over so he can sit with me, we sit in silence and you could hear a slight cricket chirp. The sky is still dark, with a million stars dusting the sky and it seems like you could reach out and just take them by the handful. It’s what I wanted to do. Collect them by the handful and place them carefully on my ceiling and watch them glow. 

“Annika… Can I tell you something?” I can see him blushing. I slowly nod, bracing myself for what I was about to hear. 

He takes a huge breath and stutters this out; “…Annika? I like you. I’ve liked you for so long. You’re cute, smart, funny and I just wanted you to know. I think you’re extraordinary. I started to feel this way before I started dating Caroline and I wanted to get rid of it. It just didn’t feel right, you know? Kind of like I was sick, but in a good way, I couldn’t stop these damn butterflies from appearing whenever I saw your face and it was driving me insane. I know you don’t feel the same way… but I just wanted you to know that” he says, as his voice trails behind him, ending in a whisper. 

I can’t believe he just said that. I almost can’t breathe. It’s hard and my mouth just can’t seem to function. Did he say what I thought he just said? Did he say he liked me or am I just imagining things? Worst of all, What do I do? What do I do? Or say? I don’t even know how to feel right now. Why can’t I just pick my feelings, and besides. Why me? I’m nothing special. Honestly, Why’d he choose ME? Now everything is going to be weird and it’ll be his fault (and mine too, for feeling the same way). Why couldn’t he keep his feelings to himself? What am I suppose to say? “I’m sorry but I don’t feel the same way?” I can’t hurt him. I couldn’t forgive myself if I did. Caroline hurt him enough.  … But what if I do feel the same way? What if I do like him like that? I think I do, but I can’t tell. 

Before I could answer, Gabriel had fallen asleep. That is so like him, to fall asleep on ME. Yeahup, his head is on my shoulder and he’s slightly smiling. Shouldn’t it be the other way? I guess it’s alright… but I can’t just leave him here. I shake him awake and giggle when he finally opens his eyes. 

“Hmm? Oh, Um. Oops” he says, blushing again. 

“Stupidface… you fell asleep and I can’t leave you alone. What would my parents think?” I say, with a smirk.

“Sleep with me!” he says in a whiny tone. 

Wait what. Did he actually just…

“No! Not sex, you dummy. I forgot my key and I’m stuck here” he says. I laugh and he blushes. 

Awh, He’s so adorable. I inch closer to him and he puts his arm around me. I lay my head on his chest and realize we fit well together. When it’s like this, I can’t help but love him. So… Maybe I do like him. I guess. But what about our friendship? Does it mean nothing to him? 

“Nikka…! I’m cooold” he whines with a smile on his lips. 

“You’re such a baby” I say, grabbing my blanket and wrapping it around us. 

“Ahah, Nikka, You’re too cute” he says, smiling as I stutter and try to find words to say. “You’re even cuter when you blush” he says, laughing. 

“Shut up!” I say, even though it sounds more like a squeal. If he’s going to play the “be cute with my best friend that I happened to confess that I like her” game, Then I can play it too. 

“Gabeee…. Sing me to sleep” I say, puffing my cheeks out in an attempt to look cross. 

He laughs, and starts to sing. “So beautiful, with those sparkling eyes…So Wonderful… I’d never ever cry…” he says as his harmony begins to meld with the words that were coming out in perfect pitches. 

For all time. By Albert Posis. It’s only my favourite song in the world, and Surprisingly, he’s not a bad singer… and somehow, I fall asleep in his arms, listening to him sing and the way the leaves whisper against the wind.

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Er- So. I need your thoughts about this and whether I should keep going with this or not. Or I could use a co-writer! ;) 

Losing faith in humanity

"Losing your virginity at a younger age (teens, such as 14/15/16) doesn't make you any less of a person than someone who saves it for "the one" or for marriage. It doesn't make you immoral, dirty, or a "slut", either. As long as it was safe, and consensual, there is nothing wrong with it"


Whatever happened to innocence? I mean, At age 14/15/16 we should be awaiting our first kiss, not sex. I mean, I won't hold it against anyone but I think it should be saved for someone you know who is truly worth saving it for, and the fact that people my age are doing that shit? It's digusting. I'm sorry, but that's really gross. Did they do it because they were drunk? Because they wanted to get it over with? Or did they do it because they thought they'd be together forever with that person?  People are stupid. 


and that is all. 

So I finally met Miguel a few days ago

It was awkward. yet great, but awkward because Jea was there. I think I would've actually talked just a bit more if Jea wasn't there because she wanted to see our reaction when we met each other and now Jea, Anne, Lyka and someone else who I don't know their names ship us as a loveteam which is kind of creepy because we demanded a divorce a while ago.